‘In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different’
Coco Chanel, 1883-1971
Dear Andie,
I have not met you yet though I supposed when I do, it will be the happiest day of my Life.
Speaking of Life, I’ve no wisdom to impart here. I don’t know it all and I still am clueless for most parts. I still repeatedly bite my nails or get lazy with my skin care routine. More often than not, you’ll still catch me staying way up late and sleeping my weekends away.
I don’t have answers to most of my problems. Come to think of it, I’m still nursing a freshly broken heart while writing this to you. Sometimes during the night, the silence gets so overwhelming that it sounded like a resounding bell in my ears. And I can’t turn the damn thing off even if I traded my soul with the Devil himself.
I earnestly wrote down my New Year’s Resolutions on the 31st December 2009. I did it deliberately, resolutely and with all my heart. It was my Declaration of Independence of all the shit that I put myself through in 2009 and I was determined not to drag my poor sorry ass through that ordeal anymore. I’ve become a wreck and I do admit that I still am a hollow case of myself but I wanted something in writing. Something solid to make it real. And also, I thought, if I could somehow get all my feelings and thoughts down on paper, then it would no longer threaten the life that it belongs to.
10 days after I wrote it and even stuck it on the wall next to my dresser (so I see it every morning), I’ve broken almost 5 of it no less. But I will not beat myself up over it. I do feel bad for making promises to myself and not honoring them but at the end of the day, I’ll do whatever I think is right.
Hell, I’m not always right. I know that like the back of my hand. I’ve not been well known to make decisions and choices realistically, preferring instead to follow my heart as opposed to my head. And that’s why I always end up getting hurt, getting knocked down and having always to claw my way up. And even when I do, sometimes when I’m not paying attention, the wounds will re-open and I’ve to sew it back shut again.
I don’t know the answers to the Hows, the Whys, the Whos..and maybe sometimes it’s bloody irrelevant. But I do know that if there’s one person I’d like to share my life stories with, it’ll be you. I know now itself that I’ll give you all that you ever want and pamper you silly. But I want to give you something more precious and valuable. I want to leave you my memoirs.
P/S: I left you a picture of Coco Chanel. Her real name is Gabrielle Bonheur ‘Coco’ Chanel. People always think I’m materialistic and hence the liking for her and anything associated with her. Hell, I am materialistic (so sue me) but the reason I have an interest in her is simply because she’s one woman who had her heart broken countless of times, endured setbacks and still kicked-ass. And looked damn good doing that too. You’ll see..when you start your obsession with stilettos *wink*
Love,
Rania